Complaints when trust breaks down

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2010/02/12/2817499.htm?section=justin

One of the interesting things I observe is the flow on effects of a breakdown of trust. I’ve spoken about this domino effect previously.

I was reflecting on this as I read Kristina Keneally’s comments in response to the Independent Commission against Corruption investigation into allegations against MP Ms Paluzzano.

When someone lodges a complaint against someone else, in any kind of format, whether as a customer, as an employee, as a constituent, as a tenant, whatever position they are in, that complaint is a direct response to a breakdown of trust. Something they Expected or Needed, and/or something that was Promised to them has not happened. Especially when Promises made have been explicitly stated, most of us say something, we complain, we jump up and down. We are ‘not happy Jan!’ This is a natural response.

However, if that breakdown of trust was significant, if it cut to core Needs, then the noises that we make can often be loud and clear. We want everyone to know that we are hurting and that something should be done about it.

How those complaints and noises are responded to requires careful consideration. Emotions are running high. People are angry. But the full story needs to be uncovered – is the issue being reported and complained about the actual issue, or is there something else going on here that has caused that breakdown of trust.

I agree with Premier Keneally. Investigations need to continue to ensure the validity of the accusations. But any hint of them being true requires swift action in order to maintain trust in the system, and for the Premier to maintain the trust that has been given to her. And that goes for anyone dealing with ay kind of issue. Be careful in your investigations, but if there is a real problem there, deal with it quickly or you lose the trust others have in you faster than you can blink.

Do you share our worldwide view?

Taking Seth Godin's advice (I love this guy - he is so on the money), we are finding those who share our worldview. It has been difficult for us. Let's face it, trust is everywhere and affects everyone.

But there is a small but powerful group of people who actually get the significance of trust and how it plays out in every aspect of their life. A small group who know that the time for trust is now. That it's a case of 'enough already', how long can we continue to let each other down, hurt each other, disappoint the very people we love and want a relationship with, break the promises we make and drive people away.

Whether you are wondering why your customers keep complaining, why your staff don't really care about you or your business, why your shareholders are so touchy, or why your last relationship fell apart, why your teenager doesn't talk to you anymore, or why violence still exists, why crime rates, divorce rates, depression rates are still as high as they are, why two cultures continue to collide, why nations cannot agree on positive action to a common cause - you share our worldview, and we need you!

Help us. Invite people you know who share this view to join my facebook group. Volunteer with us. Sponsor our foundation. Buy a book so proceeds can help fund our work. Tell me what you think.

Meeting the Needs of Others

My son Lachlan is very driven by the need for Safety and Security. As long as he feels safe, he’s happy, confident, and at peace with himself and the world around him.

If at any time he does not feel safe, he becomes difficult, nagging, he loses confidence in himself, and is generally not very nice to be around.

Let me give you an example of how this plays out. Lachlan dances 4 days a week for The Edge. I do most of the driving back and forth to get him there (Peter does some too – thank you sweetie!).

Lachlan needs to get there early. I like to get him there on time. I mean, we drive up to the door at exactly the time he is meant to be there – it’s how I operate, I run everything to the wire, BUT he is NEVER late. He is ALWAYS on time. There are times when I can’t understand why he is freaking out, calling me, sms-ing me and hassling me about hurrying up to pick him up from home to get him to dance when I know exactly how long we need to get him there on time.

What I occasionally forget, and have just reminded myself, is the importance of meeting the Needs of others. It’s one of the key things I teach about building trusting relationships. Find out what the underlying Needs are for the people you want trusting relationships with. Find out what the important ones are, the drivers, and meet those Needs for them.

For Lachlan, I know his driving Need is Safety and Security. He feels safe when he arrives 15 minutes early for a class, not right on time. If I want a calm, loving and trusting relationship with him, I need to meet that for him.

This week he was 15 minutes early for dance. He’s happy, and so am I.

Can you forgive and still not trust?

I was reading a blog post called Unforgiving and Unforgivable which was exploring the concept that men are more unforgiving than women. It poses the observation that in the event of infidelity or betrayal, a man would end the relationship, but those same men expect forgiveness if they were the ones who committed the offence.

What I have found interesting myself in exploring the whole concept of trust and forgiveness is this:

1. Women care more about trust than men
2. You can forgive someone and still not trust them. Women tend to do this more than men. Just because she has ‘forgiven’ you does not mean she trust you.
3. Men and women will move on from a relationship only when they believe their Needs will be met elsewhere. Men are more confident that they can find other ways to do this. Women will stay in a relationship that is ‘bad for them’ because, in some way, it is meeting a core Need for them (e.g. the relationship may be meeting their financial needs and they do not believe they can meet those themselves.)
4. A breakdown in trust is the biggest killer to relationships

Women care more about trust than men

It’s true, and it came out loud and clear in a survey entente conducted with over 600 people.

If you had 20 women customers, and you did something to break down their trust in you, even if they liked you as a salesperson or customer service person, 19 of them would not deal with you again!

If you had the same situation but 20 men, 16 of them would not deal with you. That’s still terrible, but seriously, if your customer base is women and you do not have a program in place to ensure everyone in your business knows what trust is and how to protect the trust of your customers, you have missed the biggest risk to your business.

Likewise for your female staff, your female business partners, investors, and every other stakeholder group in your business.

And of course, the same thing applies in your personal relationships.

Men, listen up! If you want a happy wife, daughter, female employee, customer, or shareholder, you need to know the truth about trust!