Workplace Bullying

Question (from EA to Chief of Police in a state in the US)

Isn't bullying something of the past? Is bullying just a social problem between kids in all levels of school? Have you, or someone you know, experienced bullying in the workplace? Thoughts?!

I don't trust myself as a leader

I’m actually surprised how many times leaders tell me this, and it’s more than a little scary!

How can you expect others to trust you and follow you, if you don’t trust yourself?

I hate you

Sadly, these were the only words one lady heard from her teenage son. Desperate for some help with her ‘problem child’ she came to a session I was running on the truth about trust in parenting.

The relationship with her son, she shared, had gradually declined, and now he spent no time with her and her husband, but was constantly shutting himself in his bedroom, and occasionally yelled out those words that no mother wants to hear, no parent, actually: ‘I hate you’.

As I unpacked the model for trust during the session, I could see she had a few ‘a-ha’ moments, but it was in the exercises that it all came to light.

As we explored what she thought her son’s Expectations are of her and her husband, she began to write them down, ‘Be home for dinner’, ‘Spend time helping him with his homework’, ‘Be around at home’, ‘Take an interest in him, his day, his friends’, were just a few of them.

Then we looked at what his underlying Needs might be, and the key ones were ‘Love and Belonging’, and ‘Esteem’.

Then crunch time came when I asked her to write down all the things she had promised him – the explicit promises (the ones she actually verbally expressed, or had even written down), and the implicit ones (the ones she didn’t actually say or write down, but were implied in her body language, her behaviour). Things like ‘I’ll be home for dinner’, ‘Of course I’ll help you with your homework’, and ‘I love you’, as she wrote them, became obvious to her that she was not keeping those promises.

Broken promises in politics and business

How many times do you pick up the newspaper, or read a headline or article berating government or business leaders for broken promises?

I can tell you, because I track these very headlines, that if not every day, it’s at least a few times a week. Why?

There are three ‘why?’ questions here:

1. Why does it keep being reported?
2. Why do political and business leaders keep breaking their promises?
3. Why does it upset us so much?

Let’s explore:

The Little Things

Just recently I was staying at the Hilton Hotel in Sandton, Johannesburg, South Africa. Lovely hotel, and the staff on the Executive floor always look after me.

On my first day there I noticed something on the dresser. I wasn't sure what it was a first, but as I picked it up, I realised it was a vase. A small vase that would take a few small flowers. Of course, there were no flowers in it, or I would have known what it was!

I figured that they had forgotten to put some flowers in it when they serviced the room, so expected they would do that the following day.

Well, you know what? That vase sat empty on the bathroom dresser the whole time I stayed there!

What's funny, though, is that I was disappointed every time I saw the empty vase! Not that it was a big deal, but simply that I expected flowers because the vase was there. It was an implicit promise.

In fact, had the vase not been there, I wouldn't have expected flowers at all and would not have been disappointed.

This is a simple example of how we make implicit promises and create expectations, only to disappoint others if they are not met.

Something to ponder.

Man Overboard

It started with an announcement on the cruise ship, searching for one of the kitchen staff, asking him to report immediately to his supervisor. There were jokes and laughs as we all imagined what trouble he’ll be in later, when he shows his face. Other staff were trying to guess, had he been drunk last night? Was he hiding because he was sick?

A further announcement requesting him again to report immediately to his supervisor had even more of us, sitting around the pool and in the dining rooms, looking around, laughing and guessing where he might be.

When they then announced for someone else to report in his place, the laughter turned into quizzical looks and questions – where was he? I wonder why he did not report to his duties today?

A few hours later, the Captain’s voice came over the loudspeaker, announcing that he was missing, and that a ship-wide search was underway, and at the same time, they had decided to turn the ship around to retrace its course, in case he has somehow gone overboard. The laughter stopped at this point, and genuine concern swept across the ship.

A few hours on, the report came in, the ship search had been unsuccessful, however, a review of security cameras had revealed that the man had, in fact, jumped overboard of his own accord. The ship was now in the hands of a full scale search and rescue, operated with co-operation from Morocco, Spain and the Canary Islands involvement, as well as surrounding ships. With only an hour left of daylight, there was little time, and little hope, of finding a lone man in this massive ocean that stretched as far as the eye could see.

At this point, I sat quietly, reflecting on the desperation and hopelessness that this poor man must have been feeling, to have felt that ending his life was the only way out. A wash of memories flooded over me, as I, too, have been at that point, saved only by the cry of my 6 month old son, Lachlan, who snapped me out of the state I was in, if only temporarily at that stage.

As I do, I also considered this situation from a trust perspective, the lens through which I explore and discover humanity and our relationships. When a person gets to this point, when taking their own life is the only option, that is the point where they have decided they can trust no-one and nothing - not themselves, not their family or friends, not God. And that is the saddest and loneliest place to be.

The Captain was released from the search, and our cruise continued on its way. Passengers dressed up and went to dinner, the show, literally, went on. The man was not found.

I prayed a prayer for that man, who I do not know, but whose story haunts me, and probably will for the rest of my life.

I pray a prayer for all of us, that we all recognise the trust that is placed in us, that we nurture it, respect it, and do all we can to protect it.

I pray a prayer for anyone, anywhere in this world, who ever feels at desperation point, unable to trust. May you find comfort and peace in the same place I did, and continue to.

Proverbs 3: 5 – 6