Friday, April 23, 2010

Why Marriages Fail

As this month our members explore the 7 truths about trust every couple needs to know, I was digging around looking through research as to what makes marriages work and what makes them fail. Whilst the model for trust shows you what will work and what will break down YOUR marriage or relationship, I wanted to know what the researchers and marriage experts were saying.

The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers published a paper called 'Making marriages last', which I found on www.divorceform.org, and the top reasons for failure they reported were these:

1. poor communication
2. financial difficulties
3. lack of commitment
4. dramatic change in priorities
5. infidelity

They also talked about:

6. failed expectations and unmet needs
7. addictions
8. physical, sexual and emotional abuse
9. lack of conflict resolution

Probably no surprises there, really, but the bigger question is how do we resolve this? Australia has the 6th highest divorce rate in the world on a number of searches I conducted, most recent stats say that 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce in Australia. The USA and Sweden seem to share the top of the list with over 50% of marriages ending in divorce.

Interestingly, and matching what entente has found around how much women value trust, women file more divorce applications in Australia than men. We know that women care more about trust, and only 1 in 10 will deal with someone they like but do not trust.

The biggest issue as I see it is this: we do not understand the power and fragility of trust in our relationships, and how that trust dynamic really works. This is the secret that we unlock for people.

The problem with poor communication for example (and we see this exact same problem in business), is not the amount of communication but the structure and content of it. When you understand the dynamics of Expectations, Needs and Promises and where trust sits with that, the framework is set for communication that really works.

If you truly want your marriage or relationship to work, if you are struggling right now and things are not working the way you hoped they would, think about this:

1. what were you each Expecting from each other?
2. what do you Expect now?
3. what did you each Need from each other?
4 what do you each Need now?
5. what did you each Promise each other?
6. what are you prepared to Promise each other now?

This is the start point to begin to understand the trust dynamics in your relationship and to set a framework to communicate.

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Want to know more about how to give your relationship the boost it deserves?

Come to entente's 2 day workshop in Sydney on 26th and 27th May.

Email April at admin@entente.com.au for further details.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Calling all successful businesswomen who just can't get relationships right

You know who you are. You climbed the corporate ladder. You are the envy of your friends because you've made it in your career. You might have even taken the plunge and gone out on your own. Business has it's challenges but you've done it.


The problem - your personal life sucks! You go in and out of relationships. Mr Right very quickly turns out to be Mr Soooo Wrong! You seem to attract idiots and sleezebags. You just don't get it. How
can one part of your life be so great and the other so crap???


You need to understand the dynamics of your ENPs. What is actually going on is revealed when you realise your negative Expectations, your Needs and the Promises they make to you are all at play here. When you get this, you can become as successful in your relationships as you are in your career.


Now that's worth aspiring to. Are you up for the challenge?


Vanessa Hall



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The truth about trust workshop in Sydney 14 - 16 May for women in business who want to learn how to trust themselves more, want much better relationships, want to learn how to make better decisions about relationships, and want better results, retention and relationships in their business. This is for you! Call April on 02 8889 0888 or email at admin@entente.com.au to reserve your place.

Friday, April 16, 2010

A courageous man

Sigma CEO, Elmo de Alwis, resigned because he wanted to take responsibility for 'not doing what we said we would do'. He reported to Khia Mercer and Nabila Ahmed of the Australian Financial Review on Friday 16th April "The thing about leadership is that you have to take responsibility, you can't pass it on to somebody else".

What a refreshing change to the complete lack of trusted leadership we have seen over the last 2 years. Although Sigma has been experiencing issues and there have been changes in industry conditions and pharmaceutical benefits scheme reform, this CEO was prepared to fall on his sword to allow a 'fresh set of eyes' in the leadership of the company.

Being truly trustworthy is not for the weak or fainthearted, it takes guts, but what I love is that he recognised that there must be a consequence to breaking down the trust of others. The ultimate consequence was him stepping down.

Are you prepared to do what it takes to be a trustworthy leader?