We’ve all been there. It’s that time when you are sitting across the table from your husband and he’s chewing loudly, a bit of dinner sitting in the corner of his mouth, elbows on the table and his sleeve rubbing in the mashed potato on his plate and you’re thinking ‘Please, please remind me – why did I marry you?’
It’s when your wife comes home from shopping and sneakily runs to the bedroom with a handful of bags which she then feebly attempts to hide under the bed, and it was only yesterday that you’d had the discussion about tightening the belt. Things were getting tough and the random spending had to cut back, a lot. She agreed that, yes, she really did have enough shoes, and yet you know that at least one of those bags she’s just shoved under the bed held the world’s best bargain pair of shoes, according to her. You sit down on the bed, head in your hands, and ask yourself ‘Why did I marry her?’
I just love all the stories that come up as people share the challenges in their marriages, and despite the fact that, at the time when things are tough, when you’re not sure you can make it through and you feel you are the only couple going through this, I can tell you that you are not as unique as you think you are. That’s a good thing. There is a pattern that exists in relationships, and the great news is that, when you understand what is actually happening, it is empowering and you can pull yourself through those times much quicker, with much more understanding and compassion, and with a lot less conflict and stress.
So, what’s really going on here? The first thing is to understand what is causing the frustration. Every time there is frustration and stress in any relationship it ultimately comes down to thee core things:
- Something you Expected hasn’t happened
- Something you Needed has not been met
- Something that was Promised to you has not been delivered
I call these things ENPs®. You can read the background to ENPs in previous articles in Lifelonglove here.
Let’s take the first example, the husband disgracing himself at the dinner table. When you first met him he was gorgeous. Your heart raced when you saw him at that party 20 years ago. Debonair, suave, every girl had her eye on him, but you knew, you just knew he was meant for you. He was always the gentleman on your dates, held the door open for you, was an impeccable dresser, polite, just perfect, really.
Now, the reality is, he may not have always been like that, but that’s what you remember, that’s what you were drawn to. You wanted someone you could be proud to be with. He met your Need for esteem. He was confident and made you feel confident and, admit it, maybe even a bit better than some of your other girlfriends whose choice of partner was, well, questionable.
The thing is, you Expected that he’d always be like that. Why wouldn’t he be? In fact, now your sitting here watching him you’re thinking, when did it all go downhill? Was it a sudden thing, or has it been slowly declining over the years since you married? In any case, what you Expected is not what is sitting there right now.
Although he never came right out and Promised that he’d always be like that, that man you fell for, he did sort of Promise it, even if it was implicitly, right? He’d been like that for the year you dated, so there was a Promise that he’d continue to be like that.
What happens is that we all rely on people to deliver on what we Expect, what we Need and what we believed they Promised us. We place our trust in them to do that. When those things don’t stack up, we feel let down, disappointed, frustrated. Depending on how much we were relying on those things, how important those things are to us will depend on how big the crash is when it all falls apart.
You married him because you were drawn to the Promise that met your Expectations and your Needs at the time. But ENPs change. We can’t always live up to the Promise of years ago. In fact, in many ways, some of those Promises may not be relevant any more as the household and family situations change. Your Expectations change, your Needs change. ENPs are constantly changing and need to be talked about.
In this case, you need to ask yourself, ‘Can I still Expect him to be that suave man I met 20 years ago. How much have I changed over that same time? Hmmmmm.’ ‘Do I still need him to be that was to make me feel good about myself? How else can I feel good about myself that frees him up to be relaxed and be himself at home and around our friends?’
The same goes for the second example. You have an Expectation that your wife is going to take the family budget seriously. She Promised it, kind of, when she agreed that she did have enough shoes already. You Need her to be careful for the financial security of the family. You feel let down because she hasn’t met those ENPs for you.
But what is also going on, in both these examples, and in all our relationships, is that the other person, the husband whose more relaxed and not putting on a show, the wife whose still hunting for a bargain, also have Expectations and Needs of you, and you’ve made Promises to them.
Maybe your wife is Expecting that you’ve got everything under control. You always have everything under control. The last time things got a bit tough, you pulled the family through. So she’s Expecting you’ll do it again, and that she does not need to really play a role in that. Maybe her shopping for a bargain is her way of feeling good about herself. She feels clever that she’s been able to buy something of value for significantly less than other people had paid for it in the past. It meets her Esteem Need. Maybe she feels you Promised her that you would look after her – you said it in the wedding vows, you tell her all the time, and you’ve always done it, so it’s an implied Promise anyway.
So, every time you sit back, looking at your husband or your wife and wonder ‘Why did I marry you?’ just smile. You remember. Maybe just now it’s time to rethink those ENPs, and to communicate them with each other.
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