My son Lachlan is very driven by the need for Safety and Security. As long as he feels safe, he’s happy, confident, and at peace with himself and the world around him.
If at any time he does not feel safe, he becomes difficult, nagging, he loses confidence in himself, and is generally not very nice to be around.
Let me give you an example of how this plays out. Lachlan dances 4 days a week for The Edge. I do most of the driving back and forth to get him there (Peter does some too – thank you sweetie!).
Lachlan needs to get there early. I like to get him there on time. I mean, we drive up to the door at exactly the time he is meant to be there – it’s how I operate, I run everything to the wire, BUT he is NEVER late. He is ALWAYS on time. There are times when I can’t understand why he is freaking out, calling me, sms-ing me and hassling me about hurrying up to pick him up from home to get him to dance when I know exactly how long we need to get him there on time.
What I occasionally forget, and have just reminded myself, is the importance of meeting the Needs of others. It’s one of the key things I teach about building trusting relationships. Find out what the underlying Needs are for the people you want trusting relationships with. Find out what the important ones are, the drivers, and meet those Needs for them.
For Lachlan, I know his driving Need is Safety and Security. He feels safe when he arrives 15 minutes early for a class, not right on time. If I want a calm, loving and trusting relationship with him, I need to meet that for him.
This week he was 15 minutes early for dance. He’s happy, and so am I.
If at any time he does not feel safe, he becomes difficult, nagging, he loses confidence in himself, and is generally not very nice to be around.
Let me give you an example of how this plays out. Lachlan dances 4 days a week for The Edge. I do most of the driving back and forth to get him there (Peter does some too – thank you sweetie!).
Lachlan needs to get there early. I like to get him there on time. I mean, we drive up to the door at exactly the time he is meant to be there – it’s how I operate, I run everything to the wire, BUT he is NEVER late. He is ALWAYS on time. There are times when I can’t understand why he is freaking out, calling me, sms-ing me and hassling me about hurrying up to pick him up from home to get him to dance when I know exactly how long we need to get him there on time.
What I occasionally forget, and have just reminded myself, is the importance of meeting the Needs of others. It’s one of the key things I teach about building trusting relationships. Find out what the underlying Needs are for the people you want trusting relationships with. Find out what the important ones are, the drivers, and meet those Needs for them.
For Lachlan, I know his driving Need is Safety and Security. He feels safe when he arrives 15 minutes early for a class, not right on time. If I want a calm, loving and trusting relationship with him, I need to meet that for him.
This week he was 15 minutes early for dance. He’s happy, and so am I.
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